Esther. An English Literature major from NTU. Once a part-time lifeguard. Always a public speaker and trainer. Currently an Education consultant cum coach working in an Education solutions company
Loves swimming, running, reading, writing, blogging (More frequently I swear), playing the piano, shopping with friends... An ambitious person, yet someone who is grounded in the word of grace.
Conscious of the free undeserving favours she gets because of Jesus' priceless redemption on the cross... she will always seize the blessings bequeathed to her by DaddyGod. Amen.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Okay...today I'm not my cool self because I feel like I'm on a verge of a mental breakdown. So I'm blogging because it will make me feel better. I'll be honest with you...my biggest fear is loneliness. To be honest, this semester has been really hard to live. This is the first time I've been totally by myself. The number of classroom hours sum up to four. I haven't seen the friends I hung out with, since none of them are in my class. I don't feel like an English major at all, not belonging to anywhere.
The rest of my time is spent working, tuitioning or doing my Final year paper. It's only the start of February and I feel like breaking down. As I begin to get used to the working world, I realize it is harsh. It is a lonely place. I have never felt so goddamm lonely before. Working by myself in my corner, facing the computer screen all day... tuitioning some bratty kids who waste their parents' money by fooling around... This pisses me off.
Its so unlike school. There is no one to guide you. NONE! You just have to prove your worth. (God help me man, cuz I really have nothing to prove). There's no support, nor encouragement. No person I can confide to. NONE.
Really really breaking down.... Crying does feel good for once. They are willing to convert me to a full-time coach asap. The pay is good (of course, it comes with the expected amount of work) But Why?! Why am I not happy? It is recession, people say.... 'you should stick to a job when you find one.' I so hate that. I want something better. And yet, I don't know what I want! it's tiresome searching for jobs, again and again.... I've repeated myself so many times: I don't want to be a MOE teacher. I don't want to go into teaching. But what else is there for me? What do I want to do? I've asked God so many times, but I still don't know. Am I being impatient? Probably. Yeah.... Persecutions arise for the word's sake but seriously, being patient seems so trying.... I am at my wit's end.
In a few months' time I am no longer a student. I will be a full fledged adult. (Turning 21 doesn't count) The thought of it scares me, do you know that? Sometimes I don't want to grow up. Sometimes, like now... I wish my life can just end here. A nice Fullstop. And then I can proceed straightaway to heaven. I guess these thoughts make me really paranoid. Is it natural to be this afraid of the future? My life has kind of changed drastically and I'm being thrown off my tracks.
It's like my head has been held underwater for the longest time and I am about to run out of oxygen to live. God I need air. I need refreshment. Right now before I decide not to breath any longer. I feel like giving up. Lord, I really can't take shit anymore. Help me ... please..... You who is faithful... please ... bring me out of my insanity.
3:49 PM
Monday, February 02, 2009
Okay...today I'm not my cool self because I feel like I'm on a verge of a mental breakdown. So I'm blogging because it will make me feel better. I'll be honest with you...my biggest fear is loneliness. To be honest, this semester has been really hard to live. This is the first time I've been totally by myself. The number of classroom hours sum up to four. I haven't seen the friends I hung out with, since none of them are in my class. I don't feel like an English major at all, not belonging to anywhere.
The rest of my time is spent working, tuitioning or doing my Final year paper. It's only the start of February and I feel like breaking down. As I begin to get used to the working world, I realize it is harsh. It is a lonely place. I have never felt so goddamm lonely before. Working by myself in my corner, facing the computer screen all day... tuitioning some bratty kids who waste their parents' money by fooling around... This pisses me off.
Its so unlike school. There is no one to guide you. NONE! You just have to prove your worth. (God help me man, cuz I really have nothing to prove). There's no support, nor encouragement. No person I can confide to. NONE.
Really really breaking down.... Crying does feel good for once. They are willing to convert me to a full-time coach asap. The pay is good (of course, it comes with the expected amount of work) But Why?! Why am I not happy? It is recession, people say.... 'you should stick to a job when you find one.' I so hate that. I want something better. And yet, I don't know what I want! it's tiresome searching for jobs, again and again.... I've repeated myself so many times: I don't want to be a MOE teacher. I don't want to go into teaching. But what else is there for me? What do I want to do? I've asked God so many times, but I still don't know. Am I being impatient? Probably. Yeah.... Persecutions arise for the word's sake but seriously, being patient seems so trying.... I am at my wit's end.
In a few months' time I am no longer a student. I will be a full fledged adult. (Turning 21 doesn't count) The thought of it scares me, do you know that? Sometimes I don't want to grow up. Sometimes, like now... I wish my life can just end here. A nice Fullstop. And then I can proceed straightaway to heaven. I guess these thoughts make me really paranoid. Is it natural to be this afraid of the future? My life has kind of changed drastically and I'm being thrown off my tracks.
It's like my head has been held underwater for the longest time and I am about to run out of oxygen to live. God I need air. I need refreshment. Right now before I decide not to breath any longer. I feel like giving up. Lord, I really can't take shit anymore. Help me ... please..... You who is faithful... please ... bring me out of my insanity.
3:49 PM
